I can't tell where the journey will end, But I know where to start....

Okay, I'll admit it. I've been listening to Avicii's Wake Me Up on repeat for days. It makes me want to dance, makes me want to cry, makes me want to want. And these past few days have been interesting. After working for Norwegian Cruise Line for an entire year, I sent in my resignation from sunny St. Kitt's on Monday.
But wait, I'm sure you're thinking that my life looks like any traveler's dream... The Caribbean for four out of every nine days, New York City in the interim, then switching ships and sailing down the Mississippi out of New Orleans and landing myself in Cozumel, Costa Maya, Belize, Honduras, the Caymans and Jamaica.
Yes, it has been wonderful. And as I'm sitting here in a hotel room a mile away from JFK airport and the insane amount of city lights surrounding me, I'm missing the ocean already. There is nothing like living at sea- especially at night. Being on a floating city, surrounded by your own lights, listening to the waves break from the bow, the lovely breeze off the Atlantic or the Gulf of Mexico or the Caribbean Sea and sounds of music from somewhere.... and all the stars in the sky above the glorious black of the sea.... This hotel room is far from where I want to be. And I almost wonder if I will regret leaving, but I think that it's best to walk away with the memories I have for now. Taking this job, my "dream job" if you will, gave me so many things, but makes me miss so many others. I know that I can't have the best of both worlds... But I want to.
Saying goodbye to this city tomorrow morning and flying into Portland will be going back to the real world. In the last three weeks, I've said goodbye to so many people that I don't know when I will see again, and it breaks me just a little bit. My little Latvian, my crazy South African's, the Filipino Mafia, all my loving Eastern European boys, the best Nepalese boy with a camera I'll ever meet, the older, more fabulous, Aussie version of myself, a few insanely wonderful Brits, my amazing Kiwi sister, and then the other American's that are as crazy as me and love life on ships. It wrecks my soul to not have them around me on a daily basis... And it might just kill me to not be on the water, waking up in a different tropical, beautiful place every single day.
At least for a few months. I know I have other adventures in store this upcoming summer with Semester at Sea. And that will reunite me with some of the people I've met in the past year.
But ships change you. Life at sea is different, time is different. Friendships happen in moments and last forever, relationships happen in a blink of an eye and are over just as quick. Two weeks is two months, one night's party is 10 days of gossip, one kiss spreads rumors like wildfire. You dance all night and work all day, just to wake up and lay in the sunshine with a mojito or mango daiquiri in hand... massages on the beach before working a nine hour shift... then drinking all night until the sun comes up and you start all over again. And work, work work. SEVENTY FIVE HOURS A WEEK... work. Take a million pictures, let your eyes bleed from staring at a screen, take in the amazing views of the ocean all day. Fall asleep to waves crashing and listening to every noise the ship has to make, cuddling in a twin bed, shower curtains that cling to your body every day, sand everywhere always. And work, and drink a beer and repeat. Sneak into the buffet, coffee and croissants every morning, dancing down the hallways, celebratory songs... ship to ship calling. Finding good wifi is like finding gold, and the anti social tendencies of every crew member with wifi is ridiculous. Pink wine and friends with ridiculous names, loving people when you don't even know where their country is.... Ships are crazy. Crazy, beautiful and full of amazing memories and I'm so sad to walk away. Getting on the plane tomorrow means it's over for now, and I know I already miss it... but I need nights in a real bed, a bottle of wine, my cat, my best friends, cell service, real wifi. COOKING MY OWN FOOD... And maybe staying in the same place for a little bit will be nice.
We'll see how this goes. I'm already restless and can't wait for Europe, and don't know if I'm buying a flight back from there at all.... So many places are calling my name, and my camera and I are ready. I took almost 60,000 images this year. I'm ready. I know where to start.

Grown up?

Okay, it's been months.
I got a job. I loved it. And then I hated it. As much as I love photography, I hate explaining how it works to every single person that came into the store. But I loved selling cameras... and on the rare occasion that someone came in that could actually talk shop with me.... oh that was heaven.
But. Then my life changed. I begged my way onto the Wizard with my uncle.... essentially a one way ticket to Alaska and an amazing opportunity to take pictures of the things that people really only see on TV.
So I quit my job. It seemed easier than trying to figure out how to take three weeks off to go on an adventure.
And we moved to Portland. I was miserable in Seattle. I had no social life.... something insanely new for me.... So Nik and I made the leap to moving in with friends. Technically I lived in Portland the day before I left for Alaska.... but not really. All my stuff was there... and my heart and mind were already in the Gulf of Alaska and in my stateroom on the Wizard.
Now, I could describe my two weeks on the Wizard, and at some point I will write it all down because I was smart enough to keep a journal. Let me just say I only threw up once from sea sickness, I had an amazing time, Dutch Harbor treated me REALLY well.... and a sad really short two days after I arrived in Dutch I was on a tiny, terrifying little prop plane on my way to Anchorage and then onto Portland.

My popularity statistics for the week of 10/14

From the moment I landed in Portland there is only one word that can describe how I felt: RESTLESS. I was wishing with my whole soul that I was back in Alaska on a grand photo adventure. More than a thousand photos later.... being on that ship for two weeks finally gave me the motivation to do what I've been waiting to do my whole life... Be a photographer. The thousands of Deadliest Catch fans looking at my Facebook Photography Page helped too... Compliments on my work were pouring in and I watched the numbers climb from hundreds of people seeing my page to more than sixteen thousand. That was a little jaw dropping for me.... and a really good reality shock. My friend Megan convinced me to yet again apply for my dream job: being a photographer for a cruise line. My hurting bank account decided this was a very good idea.... along with applying for a multitude of jobs in Portland. I stalked Norwegian Cruise Lines' website and found they were having a hiring fair in Portland.... and so began my nerves. I had applied over and over again to multiple cruise lines and had never heard anything back.... Because I realized that I was just ANOTHER art school grad with no REAL experience. But, I convinced myself that if I could just an interview, my fabulously infectious personality would do the rest for me. I was BORN for cruise life.
I impressed the first woman who interview with me. I might have thrown in that I had just freelanced for Discovery Channel's Deadliest Catch.... but I DID. Then began the lovely waiting game.
I was on my way to Ashland for a weekend (for my sanity) to see my friend Dan play Romeo in Oregon Shakespeare Festival's Romeo & Juliet and spend the weekend with my friend from high school, Tucker. On the way there, about an hour into my drive I got a call from a number in Miami. (Commence freak out) The woman scheduled me for my second (first really) interview for the next Monday morning. (Commence second freak out and calling everyone I know. While driving. Yes, I know Mom, that's illegal)

Ashland

All I have to say about my time in Ashland is that I feel sorry for Tucker having to put up with me freaking out about an interview that could potentially change everything I wanted.... and I would actually have an income again. Oh, and Romeo and Juliet was amazing. That too. It was a perfect weekend minus the stress... walking around Ashland drinking coffee and taking pictures, curling up with a book in a small cafe and going to both a play and a costume party in one night. It felt like I had my social life back. It was heaven. I even extended my trip by a day and had my interview from my amazing Skype app on my phone before packing up my stuff and trying to remind myself to breathe the entire way back to Portland.
She had said she would be in touch by that Friday. Friday came and went and the few people that I had told about the interview called and texted and checked in to see if I had gotten the job, as they were sure I would, and as the day went on I sank even more into my couch in my sweatpants and a deep bit of self loathing.

The photo I donated to Elegant Affair for an auction piece

They didn't call. I proceeded to hate every photo I had ever taken and curse getting my degree in photography because NO ONE WOULD EVER HIRE ME.  I was obviously un-hire-able. Nik was very near smacking me.
Monday came again and I called and left a message checking in on the status of my interview. No answer. And no return call. So I gave up. I messaged my friends abroad, a few of my close friends from France and attempted to figure out what I was going to do. Going home was the top of my list, to get back on my feet again. But that's the last thing I really wanted.... But I didn't want to stay in Portland. I've barely been here a month, and it's beautiful.... But not somewhere I wanted to call home for now.
A friend messaged me back and told me about how she's an au pair. Perfect. Problem solved. It wasn't going home and it wasn't staying here. It was going to give me opportunity to travel. To be in Europe and take pictures and figure out what I really wanted again. I applied to a few families and had two get in touch with me within that couple of hours... One in France and one in Ireland.

Nik the book nerd. My first portraits in months

AND THEN NORWEGIAN CALLED. AND OFFERED ME A JOB.
I won't lie. I screamed when I got off the phone. And almost cried I was so happy. And then called Nik, my mom, my dad, my brother, my grandparents, Gail, my cousin, my aunt. Everyone. And proceeded to text everyone in my recent texts as well.

So now, as I sit here in my somewhat clean Portland apartment awaiting my assignment of location and drinking a glass of wine (Old Moon Old Vine Zinfandel from Trader Joes.... delicious).... I feel like a grown up. Sort of.

Nik, being fabulous for me today during light tests

I get to travel. And work my ass off seven days a week for six months doing something that I LOVE. (Dream job... remember?) And then I'll proceed to buy my plane ticket to Ireland for next summer and possibly pick up another contract in the fall. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm finally ready to do what I've been waiting for after picking up the pieces of my broken life in Savannah.

So we'll see how this goes.

I also get the fabulous position of playing photographer for the next few days. My favorite model (and one of my favorite writers) Kaitlin McMillan is coming to play dress up with me and do amazing amounts of photo shoots while on her way to Seattle. Pictures to come. Amazing ideas flying everywhere.... She and I do good things together. I can't wait. 




Ready, set, go.

21 Days to Midsummer

My friend, Ben Frankenberg started this genius project, inspiring me to do.... something. So after three weeks, this is what I've come up with. https://www.facebook.com/groups/355781547809823/

It’s hard to take in the passing of days sometimes. It’s harder still to think that in twenty-one days, picking up my camera daily felt like a hassle. Where has my ambition gone? Twenty-one pictures for twenty-one days. Simple. Like breathing through my lens as I’ve been doing for the last six years.

            Not as easy. But having twenty-one days to be inspired…. much easier. I wrote down all the things that I talk about daily, the people I think about, the concepts of art that cross my mind… and realized I couldn’t put it into three short weeks. Which is a good thing. I spent some time adding to a past body of work, Somewhere In Between, which was the secondary part of my senior showcase over a year ago. It’s work about loving, leaving and being lost in the transitory state of not having a home, or rather a person to share that home with. It’s work that I don’t know when it will be finished… until it is. Perhaps when I stop waking up in an empty bed with the dreams of people long gone.

             I drew out some sketches for a project I’ve been concepting for more than a year- making ball gowns out of recycled materials… Starbucks cards, shredded tires, pop tabs from sodas, records and so on. But again, that’s something so much bigger than right now… It’s something that is still in the baby steps stages of a three or more year project. Which is hard to explain to people… that kind of patience. Or insanity. Either one qualifies.

But I did take some pictures. I did take the time daily to try and remember why I started this photographer adventure years ago. And I was reminded that photography is like breathing for me. I may not actually take a picture every day, but I compose shots in my head, I file away color profiles, I drink in the beauty of my own eyes and how my lenses made of glass and plastic change how I see. I take the nuances of imagery, the subtle shadows and lines and details that thrill me, make my heart beat faster, and put everything together in my head to create perfect images that I hope will one day be created by my hands and hard work. And so I breathe.

Retrospective from Red Lipstick and Photographs

 So, this is something that I posted back in September when I had three weeks by myself, contemplating the universe. It's from my other blog Red Lipstick and Photography, but I'm "cleaning" my digital files and reverting everything back to one blog. This is really one of the only posts I found interesting enough to keep. Seeing as it was written months ago, and the months that had passed have now turned into more than a year... I feel like it's an interesting piece about time. And I still feel the same way about almost every word I wrote, and every picture that I took. There are more to add to this collection as well, though I'll post them at a later time.
Anyway, just a little retrospective into my life, since no one really read this the first time around. I'm definitely happier now, but still really getting used to the same changes.







September 18th, 2011
I've recently found myself lacking my creativity. And its a daily struggle to think about getting it back. At SCAD, there was a constant flow of creativity and ideas around me at all times. So to be away from there has taken the sounding board of my fellow creatives away from me, something that I'm now realizing that I certainly took for granted.
In the last few weeks of my constant job search, it has absolutely terrified me that I don't have my creativity. Yes, I can spin words to make a great cover letter, but no one is hiring me. No one has even given me a chance or an interview, and it truly scares me. I know that I'm talented, but I'm not the best I could be. I feel like when I left SCAD, I was finally coming into my own and making work that impressed people. And now I feel as if that competence within my own work is slipping away. Part of me wonders if it's because I no longer have the overwhelming feelings of both being in a relationship and ending one... such strong emotions are things that can fuel creativity like no other, because they need an outlet. While Maddie and I didn't officially break up until January of this year, around this time last year I knew that things weren't going well... with the added six hour time difference and us not talking and being so far away from one another... it was felt.

So lately I feel as if I have no drive. And that my only creative outlet seems to be writing, which is a great option, until I want people to read what I've written. I have so many thoughts about the state of my relationship(s) but there are so many things that would hurt people, hurt relationships... even though it's the truth. And that's what I miss about photography right now; the beauty of the truth skewed in my own perspective so it doesn't hurt anyone but still accurately depicts my feelings.

I do have some new work that continues from part of my senior show, Somewhere in Between.
I've added the new work below, as well as the originals from my show, and the somewhat narrative that it has taken on. 
As I wrote months ago,

We are all in between something. 

Jobs, shoe sizes, houses, airports, lovers, soul mates.

We are in between the grief of loss, the acceptance of loneliness and the warmth of happiness.

Life is a transitory state. 

I think we got lost, somewhere in between

She doesn't deny it

 I left because she wanted me to

She's not the same

She wants something I don't have

She's busy

I miss her. Even though it's over

She kissed me goodbye

She left. She always leaves

She cries as much as I do

I moved. She said there was no hope. But I don't want to let go

She hates this

She misses me

I don't understand

She says she still needs me

All we do is fight

She says she missed me

She told me she loved me one night. After it was over

I don't know how this ends

I still don't know where to begin again.

Overall, I think my work shows a change.... that I've changed since I wrote that and things are slowly getting better. Or something like that.