Retrospective from Red Lipstick and Photographs

 So, this is something that I posted back in September when I had three weeks by myself, contemplating the universe. It's from my other blog Red Lipstick and Photography, but I'm "cleaning" my digital files and reverting everything back to one blog. This is really one of the only posts I found interesting enough to keep. Seeing as it was written months ago, and the months that had passed have now turned into more than a year... I feel like it's an interesting piece about time. And I still feel the same way about almost every word I wrote, and every picture that I took. There are more to add to this collection as well, though I'll post them at a later time.
Anyway, just a little retrospective into my life, since no one really read this the first time around. I'm definitely happier now, but still really getting used to the same changes.







September 18th, 2011
I've recently found myself lacking my creativity. And its a daily struggle to think about getting it back. At SCAD, there was a constant flow of creativity and ideas around me at all times. So to be away from there has taken the sounding board of my fellow creatives away from me, something that I'm now realizing that I certainly took for granted.
In the last few weeks of my constant job search, it has absolutely terrified me that I don't have my creativity. Yes, I can spin words to make a great cover letter, but no one is hiring me. No one has even given me a chance or an interview, and it truly scares me. I know that I'm talented, but I'm not the best I could be. I feel like when I left SCAD, I was finally coming into my own and making work that impressed people. And now I feel as if that competence within my own work is slipping away. Part of me wonders if it's because I no longer have the overwhelming feelings of both being in a relationship and ending one... such strong emotions are things that can fuel creativity like no other, because they need an outlet. While Maddie and I didn't officially break up until January of this year, around this time last year I knew that things weren't going well... with the added six hour time difference and us not talking and being so far away from one another... it was felt.

So lately I feel as if I have no drive. And that my only creative outlet seems to be writing, which is a great option, until I want people to read what I've written. I have so many thoughts about the state of my relationship(s) but there are so many things that would hurt people, hurt relationships... even though it's the truth. And that's what I miss about photography right now; the beauty of the truth skewed in my own perspective so it doesn't hurt anyone but still accurately depicts my feelings.

I do have some new work that continues from part of my senior show, Somewhere in Between.
I've added the new work below, as well as the originals from my show, and the somewhat narrative that it has taken on. 
As I wrote months ago,

We are all in between something. 

Jobs, shoe sizes, houses, airports, lovers, soul mates.

We are in between the grief of loss, the acceptance of loneliness and the warmth of happiness.

Life is a transitory state. 

I think we got lost, somewhere in between

She doesn't deny it

 I left because she wanted me to

She's not the same

She wants something I don't have

She's busy

I miss her. Even though it's over

She kissed me goodbye

She left. She always leaves

She cries as much as I do

I moved. She said there was no hope. But I don't want to let go

She hates this

She misses me

I don't understand

She says she still needs me

All we do is fight

She says she missed me

She told me she loved me one night. After it was over

I don't know how this ends

I still don't know where to begin again.

Overall, I think my work shows a change.... that I've changed since I wrote that and things are slowly getting better. Or something like that.

Believe

I have a fantastic belief that if you want something, you have to work your ass off for it. Today, I had two interviews and got to be a camera nerd for one of them. As I left that interview, I remembered why I started this career in the first place... Because I love everything about it. So I proceeded to pass out my business cards at every Starbucks and cafe I could think of, trying to just get some.... Anything.

If you want to be something, be it. Don't be half assed. I'm finished with trying to be something I'm not. Hustle time. Again. Still.

Or something like that.

SASQUATCH... Some Nights.

So, this past weekend I went to the Sasquatch Music Festival. Might I throw in there, this was my first ever music festival, and I kinda knew what to expect, but was definitely in for a treat.

After five nights of sleeping in our car and seeing more than twenty bands plus catching tid bits of others while walking by... my body and my feet hurt. In that not-going-to-be-able-to-get-out-of-bed kind of way. But this weekend was the best I've had in a long time. Not only did I get to swoon over ridiculously talented, famous, singing to me men... but I remembered why I loved art school so much. The entire weekend was composed of people wearing crazy things all the time. I dressed up as a lion on Friday, prowled around our camp making growling noises at my friends, danced like a crazy person to one of my favorite bands (Of Monsters and Men) and then SERIOUSLY danced to Girl Talk and Pretty Lights. All while dressed as a LION. And not one person looked at me like I was odd or out of place, they just walked by and told me how awesome I was. Or that I was "SO creative to be able to make our Crayola tank tops.
Sigh. That's what art school was like. I could be that crazy dressed up person and no one would bat an eyelash.
Yet here I sit (in my delightful tempur pedic bed that I've been missing for days) in one of the most creative and artistic cities in the west.... feeling nothing like that. Perhaps I just feel ridiculously disheartened by the biggest thing that's been bugging me lately... the fact that everyone who owns a DSLR thinks they're a photographer. And yes, they get some pretty good shots, when everything you shoot is awesome to start off with.
I didn't even take my camera with me this weekend. I contemplated it... but decided against taking my only expensive possession to a weeks worth of dirt, dust and the possibility to get scratched, spilled on or stolen. That, and I didn't realize that I would have been able to get a press pass. Because the people with press passes....90% of them were not real photographers. They had their cameras on auto, shooting the flashes off their Rebels with their kit lenses.
Ugh. I won't just rant about it, but it drives me crazy. Because these are sadly the people who have jobs in the photography field. At least around here. Because they have a client base, they have friends that want "professional pictures" done, and they've shot a wedding and then put instagram filters on everything (note my hipstamatic accompanied photos). 
And here I sit, jobless and clientless with my 3g camera and my BFA. But these are the people that make me not want to shoot anymore, make me feel like my work is just the same old thing with higher megapixels. Being in an environment that I could be crazy this weekend made me realize how
"normal" I've become since I left Savannah... and that scares me.

Thank goodness I have Nik. She keeps me sane and encourages my crazy more than anyone I've ever met. She constantly tells me "I can't imagine you any other way", but I feel as if I am falling back into the world of mundane.... the world away from SCAD. Well, not even SCAD, but other outsiders banded together in a way that only college can create.
It's been almost a year since graduation, and close to 9 months since I've been surrounded by art school kids... the ones that bring me culture, inspiration and support. I'm praying every day to find that here, but I don't know where to keep searching. And as I read my friend's blogs... They feel the same way. Mackey's blog makes me laugh like a crazy person, and inspires me in a way that only words can.... but I feel like I'm lacking the creativity in my work that she is in her words. (http://mackeymil.blogspot.com/)
But this weekend was good for me. It made me realize all of this, made me want to be back at the top of the crazy instead of somewhere in the normal pyramid. And I relished in it. I wore whatever I wanted, sang at the top of my lungs and danced like a crazy person. It was amazing. So I'll leave you with they lyrics of my new favorite song by the band fun. (of which I have fallen in love with Nate Ruess, their lead singer. OMG). But I feel like this song sums up my life right now.... every bit of it. Because some nights I just call it a draw.

Post College=Not Quite The Real World

I find post college very interesting. While I browse through Facebook and see plenty of my friends being successful and working amazing jobs with photographers, for papers, different agencies or for themselves and making it work... I see more people struggling than succeeding. As bad as it sounds, it makes me feel a little bit better to know I'm not the only one.
So, I logically did the big-kid-I'm-going-to-be-a-grown-up thing... Move to a big city and try and make it work out. I accepted a full time nanny job for a family that lived close and seemed great. Yet here I am, giving my two weeks notice for that. Their son is three and is showing all the signs of autism, and I'm in way over my head.
Now, I'm definitely the type of person to try and make anything and everything work, especially for the fact that if I continue to work for them I can pay my rent, buy a car, save money for Europe next summer and still have a social life. But I would be miserable for the fact that I don't know what I'm doing with him, I feel completely incompetent, and that is NEVER a good feeling, and honestly one that I don't have very often at all. I'm used to being proficient at the very least at everything I do.

So now I get to float back into the land of "I don't know what the heck I'm doing with my life", but I know that this job isn't right for me. But the question is... is this the real world? Is this what it's going to be like? Floating from job to job until I finally find something right? I don't know if it's my age or the fact that I want to have an artistic career... but the hours of 9-5 seem so unappealing.

When we were graduating, two of my best friends had the best word for this: HUSTLE. And it works. Myra is making stunning work (http://tribune.com.pk/multimedia/slideshows/377872/) and making me feel like I should pick my damn camera up and do SOMETHING and Keia is designing and showing in Chicago next weekend, and her work gets better and better all the time (http://www.keiabarua.com/).

So now I get to go get on hustling. I'll let y'all know how that goes. The whole grown up thing.

HUSTLE READY SET GO