Retrospective from Red Lipstick and Photographs

 So, this is something that I posted back in September when I had three weeks by myself, contemplating the universe. It's from my other blog Red Lipstick and Photography, but I'm "cleaning" my digital files and reverting everything back to one blog. This is really one of the only posts I found interesting enough to keep. Seeing as it was written months ago, and the months that had passed have now turned into more than a year... I feel like it's an interesting piece about time. And I still feel the same way about almost every word I wrote, and every picture that I took. There are more to add to this collection as well, though I'll post them at a later time.
Anyway, just a little retrospective into my life, since no one really read this the first time around. I'm definitely happier now, but still really getting used to the same changes.







September 18th, 2011
I've recently found myself lacking my creativity. And its a daily struggle to think about getting it back. At SCAD, there was a constant flow of creativity and ideas around me at all times. So to be away from there has taken the sounding board of my fellow creatives away from me, something that I'm now realizing that I certainly took for granted.
In the last few weeks of my constant job search, it has absolutely terrified me that I don't have my creativity. Yes, I can spin words to make a great cover letter, but no one is hiring me. No one has even given me a chance or an interview, and it truly scares me. I know that I'm talented, but I'm not the best I could be. I feel like when I left SCAD, I was finally coming into my own and making work that impressed people. And now I feel as if that competence within my own work is slipping away. Part of me wonders if it's because I no longer have the overwhelming feelings of both being in a relationship and ending one... such strong emotions are things that can fuel creativity like no other, because they need an outlet. While Maddie and I didn't officially break up until January of this year, around this time last year I knew that things weren't going well... with the added six hour time difference and us not talking and being so far away from one another... it was felt.

So lately I feel as if I have no drive. And that my only creative outlet seems to be writing, which is a great option, until I want people to read what I've written. I have so many thoughts about the state of my relationship(s) but there are so many things that would hurt people, hurt relationships... even though it's the truth. And that's what I miss about photography right now; the beauty of the truth skewed in my own perspective so it doesn't hurt anyone but still accurately depicts my feelings.

I do have some new work that continues from part of my senior show, Somewhere in Between.
I've added the new work below, as well as the originals from my show, and the somewhat narrative that it has taken on. 
As I wrote months ago,

We are all in between something. 

Jobs, shoe sizes, houses, airports, lovers, soul mates.

We are in between the grief of loss, the acceptance of loneliness and the warmth of happiness.

Life is a transitory state. 

I think we got lost, somewhere in between

She doesn't deny it

 I left because she wanted me to

She's not the same

She wants something I don't have

She's busy

I miss her. Even though it's over

She kissed me goodbye

She left. She always leaves

She cries as much as I do

I moved. She said there was no hope. But I don't want to let go

She hates this

She misses me

I don't understand

She says she still needs me

All we do is fight

She says she missed me

She told me she loved me one night. After it was over

I don't know how this ends

I still don't know where to begin again.

Overall, I think my work shows a change.... that I've changed since I wrote that and things are slowly getting better. Or something like that.

Believe

I have a fantastic belief that if you want something, you have to work your ass off for it. Today, I had two interviews and got to be a camera nerd for one of them. As I left that interview, I remembered why I started this career in the first place... Because I love everything about it. So I proceeded to pass out my business cards at every Starbucks and cafe I could think of, trying to just get some.... Anything.

If you want to be something, be it. Don't be half assed. I'm finished with trying to be something I'm not. Hustle time. Again. Still.

Or something like that.

SASQUATCH... Some Nights.

So, this past weekend I went to the Sasquatch Music Festival. Might I throw in there, this was my first ever music festival, and I kinda knew what to expect, but was definitely in for a treat.

After five nights of sleeping in our car and seeing more than twenty bands plus catching tid bits of others while walking by... my body and my feet hurt. In that not-going-to-be-able-to-get-out-of-bed kind of way. But this weekend was the best I've had in a long time. Not only did I get to swoon over ridiculously talented, famous, singing to me men... but I remembered why I loved art school so much. The entire weekend was composed of people wearing crazy things all the time. I dressed up as a lion on Friday, prowled around our camp making growling noises at my friends, danced like a crazy person to one of my favorite bands (Of Monsters and Men) and then SERIOUSLY danced to Girl Talk and Pretty Lights. All while dressed as a LION. And not one person looked at me like I was odd or out of place, they just walked by and told me how awesome I was. Or that I was "SO creative to be able to make our Crayola tank tops.
Sigh. That's what art school was like. I could be that crazy dressed up person and no one would bat an eyelash.
Yet here I sit (in my delightful tempur pedic bed that I've been missing for days) in one of the most creative and artistic cities in the west.... feeling nothing like that. Perhaps I just feel ridiculously disheartened by the biggest thing that's been bugging me lately... the fact that everyone who owns a DSLR thinks they're a photographer. And yes, they get some pretty good shots, when everything you shoot is awesome to start off with.
I didn't even take my camera with me this weekend. I contemplated it... but decided against taking my only expensive possession to a weeks worth of dirt, dust and the possibility to get scratched, spilled on or stolen. That, and I didn't realize that I would have been able to get a press pass. Because the people with press passes....90% of them were not real photographers. They had their cameras on auto, shooting the flashes off their Rebels with their kit lenses.
Ugh. I won't just rant about it, but it drives me crazy. Because these are sadly the people who have jobs in the photography field. At least around here. Because they have a client base, they have friends that want "professional pictures" done, and they've shot a wedding and then put instagram filters on everything (note my hipstamatic accompanied photos). 
And here I sit, jobless and clientless with my 3g camera and my BFA. But these are the people that make me not want to shoot anymore, make me feel like my work is just the same old thing with higher megapixels. Being in an environment that I could be crazy this weekend made me realize how
"normal" I've become since I left Savannah... and that scares me.

Thank goodness I have Nik. She keeps me sane and encourages my crazy more than anyone I've ever met. She constantly tells me "I can't imagine you any other way", but I feel as if I am falling back into the world of mundane.... the world away from SCAD. Well, not even SCAD, but other outsiders banded together in a way that only college can create.
It's been almost a year since graduation, and close to 9 months since I've been surrounded by art school kids... the ones that bring me culture, inspiration and support. I'm praying every day to find that here, but I don't know where to keep searching. And as I read my friend's blogs... They feel the same way. Mackey's blog makes me laugh like a crazy person, and inspires me in a way that only words can.... but I feel like I'm lacking the creativity in my work that she is in her words. (http://mackeymil.blogspot.com/)
But this weekend was good for me. It made me realize all of this, made me want to be back at the top of the crazy instead of somewhere in the normal pyramid. And I relished in it. I wore whatever I wanted, sang at the top of my lungs and danced like a crazy person. It was amazing. So I'll leave you with they lyrics of my new favorite song by the band fun. (of which I have fallen in love with Nate Ruess, their lead singer. OMG). But I feel like this song sums up my life right now.... every bit of it. Because some nights I just call it a draw.

Post College=Not Quite The Real World

I find post college very interesting. While I browse through Facebook and see plenty of my friends being successful and working amazing jobs with photographers, for papers, different agencies or for themselves and making it work... I see more people struggling than succeeding. As bad as it sounds, it makes me feel a little bit better to know I'm not the only one.
So, I logically did the big-kid-I'm-going-to-be-a-grown-up thing... Move to a big city and try and make it work out. I accepted a full time nanny job for a family that lived close and seemed great. Yet here I am, giving my two weeks notice for that. Their son is three and is showing all the signs of autism, and I'm in way over my head.
Now, I'm definitely the type of person to try and make anything and everything work, especially for the fact that if I continue to work for them I can pay my rent, buy a car, save money for Europe next summer and still have a social life. But I would be miserable for the fact that I don't know what I'm doing with him, I feel completely incompetent, and that is NEVER a good feeling, and honestly one that I don't have very often at all. I'm used to being proficient at the very least at everything I do.

So now I get to float back into the land of "I don't know what the heck I'm doing with my life", but I know that this job isn't right for me. But the question is... is this the real world? Is this what it's going to be like? Floating from job to job until I finally find something right? I don't know if it's my age or the fact that I want to have an artistic career... but the hours of 9-5 seem so unappealing.

When we were graduating, two of my best friends had the best word for this: HUSTLE. And it works. Myra is making stunning work (http://tribune.com.pk/multimedia/slideshows/377872/) and making me feel like I should pick my damn camera up and do SOMETHING and Keia is designing and showing in Chicago next weekend, and her work gets better and better all the time (http://www.keiabarua.com/).

So now I get to go get on hustling. I'll let y'all know how that goes. The whole grown up thing.

HUSTLE READY SET GO

It's All About Wine

For my entire life, my mother has gotten together with her girlfriends to drink wine. They've been the Fab Four since I could remember, and among the four of them are eight children.... seven girls and my brother. Poor Garrett. But... when we were younger we would all make fun of our moms for being wine freaks, as they each had their own favorite bottles and flavors.... And then I lived in France. It's been more than a year since I lived there and in that time I've gone from "Yes, I would love a glass of wine with dinner" to "The cab from this year is better from Napa, but the next year has a better taste from the Pacific Northwest".
Yeah. I'm a wine snob.
And I can say that the other six girls enjoy it too. Well, five.... Heather doesn't really drink. But Jena and I are the best. We've actually turned into our mothers. This summer we sat in her living room watching the sun go down over the lake, catching up on gossip, men, work and life in general and went through a Pinot Noir and Sauvignon Blanc... and not cheap bottles either.
Yet I think this true "Oh my God, I'm a wine snob" moment came to me two nights ago, as I wrote a review of seven different bottles for one of my friends. Yep. Seven different bottles based on a generally low price and what to eat each one with and so on so forth. And then there's the fact that I have "The Essential Wine Book" next to my bed.
How did I not see this coming?!!?!? What happened to my mockery of people who drink wine? I'VE BECOME ONE OF THEM!

So. I hope everyone has a Happy Easter.... I'm going to spend it with Nik and Heather, and hopefully cook something for dinner that goes well with the Reisling I want to try.

I wish I had Jesus' ability to turn water to wine.

That Panic Feeling

Does anyone remember me right when I got accepted to SCAD? I was a freaking mess. Not because I thought I wouldn't do well at school, not because I was ridiculously relieved to ACTUALLY have gotten into a school (Though, Plan B, as my sister will tell you, was to move to Australia. I woke her up at 3 am freaking out about if no one wanted me. She told me to shut up and go back to sleep.) but because I thought I wouldn't be able to make friends. So, if you know me at all, you can realize that this was a completely irrational fear. Because I talk to everyone, and (not to brag) for the most part everyone likes me. I can honestly say that there are very few people who do dislike me, and they have very good reason. So, five years later..... aka now.... I'm terrified of not making friends. I've been in Seattle a grand total of nine days. And I've made no friends. Granted, I haven't started work, I haven't really left my apartment that much, and I haven't gotten a lot of my shit figured out.... but I'm terrified. I know five people in this city; one is practically my little sister, three I went to college with (but one is moving next week), and one who is my parent's friend. Oh, and my roommate, but she doesn't count because she moved her with me.
PANIC.
Because I realized that our fantastically well connected, beautiful little gem of a town really never taught us to meet people. The people that I met in Savannah were through school itself; the dorms (made some of my best friends there), the rowing team (made some of the best memories I have there...), the photo building and the community theater. And those are all people I met and became involved with by proximity and then by mutual EVERYTHING because Savannah really is such a small city. But my Tahoe friends? I've had them since birth, first grade or middle school. We were never taught how to go out and meet people. And I realize that this gives me an insane fear of rejection.
Yet, I do know that I'm panicking for no reason. The fact that I didn't leave my apartment yesterday probably didn't help.... And the job interview I was supposed have this morning got canceled due to the manager having a migraine. So, I realize a lot of this is circumstantial.... but I still don't know how to go meet new people.
I feel like my New Year's Resolution is going to get a lot of use in the next few weeks..... be bold. Well, I'm trying. And slightly terrified. But, here I am in my new apartment with a girl I've only known for five months and my cat. I think I'm doing okay. Ish.
So that's my current update on Seattle. I'm sure I'll have less heart palpitations when I have a job and meet people. Because once I meet them, I'm confident of my ability to be charming and at least somewhat funny.
I'll even get to wear red lipstick more here... It's a city. People don't look at you like you're crazy if you're somewhat fashionable like they do in Tahoe.

More life to come later. I'm glad to be back to writing. I'll attempt to make it more consistent.

It's Funny How Time Flies

And here we are another 2 months later. How did that happen? It's not that I haven't had thoughts about writing in the last two months. I've had plenty of things I've wanted to say, though I find them not appropriate for everyone to read. So I've kinda just cataloged them in my head for a later date when they're slightly less relevant to my immediate life, but still just as interesting of thoughts.  In the last two months I feel like I've traveled all over California...oh, wait... that's because I have. Erin and I road tripped down to San Luis Obispo in the beginning of August to help Joelle move back to Tahoe before she turned around and moved to Berkeley to start at Cal. We drove back up the Pacific Coast Highway on our way back, SLO to Monterey and then home from there, and then I spent 7 hours by myself driving up to visit Erin two weeks after that, and then driving myself back down the PCH to my cousin's house in Santa Rosa... So I've managed to essentially accomplish my goal of driving the PCH this summer. Though it wasn't exactly how I wanted it, I was supposed to do it with Dylan. Maybe one day we will, though I don't really think that's going to be any day in the immediate future. Or my foreseeable future for that matter. But I would still like to.

After driving up and down the coast it was 3 straight weeks of work (the paychecks were worth it), then Savannah for a whirlwind weekend for Pam and Paul's wedding, as well as 4 photoshoots, a dinner party, bachelorette party, dress fitting and multiple meeting ups with my friends and my darling husband, Cooper. Then it was back to Tahoe for 3 short day and a flight down to San Diego, where I currently am. I've been here for a week and all I've been doing is applying for jobs and reading (And a fabulous day of just netflix and nothing else) and more reading.
Once you find yourself alone.. your head starts to drive you crazy. Really. My friend Derek lives down here, and I hung out with him, his girlfriend and our other friend from home, Keelan, last week. And then last night I hung out with my psuedo-little sister Devyn. Besides that... I've been absolutely horrible about staying on my diet and getting more and more depressed daily by the fact that I don't have a job in my field, as well as the fact that I don't have a temp job either. Among that there are so many other things I worry about; finding a car that I can afford, making money, making people happy, the constant stress of making images that can be considered art, dating again and all those fun things...

Needless to say, I don't know if the time by myself (well, and the dogs, but they just look at me with their puppy dog eyes and want me to feed them) is necessarily as good for me as I thought it would be. It's making me look at a lot more of my flaws than I want to. That and I feel like a little bit of a fool wearing stilettos around the house, but I have to preserve some of my humor somehow. Books at least are a good escape for my mind... but I've gone through four 400 something page books since last Saturday... so in 6 days. I only have five books left, and my bank account won't accept me splurging on new ones. So.... that should be interesting.

I am motivated to go for a run though, because there's actually a scale here and as much as I hate myself every morning for stepping on it, it's become and addiction for me. (Did I add that the stilettos make my calves look fabulous... just another good reason to wear them.) I don't think it's necessarily a healthy addiction either... just one that's going to make me despise myself for a million more things.

Anyway. I'm going slightly crazy being here by myself. I'll willingly take phone calls and skype dates from anyone willing to give them :)

Pacific Beach with a fisheye lens. Sexy, I know.

Tahoe at 2:30 AM after a night rainstorm with the glow from Reno on the left and Carson City on the right.

So hopefully I'll write soon with some fabulous news that one of the 18 jobs I've applied for has hired me and that I'll have a fabulous start to my career and soon after I'll be famous. Or something like that.